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"My girlfriend dumped me because she says I 'wasn't there' when we made love. She's not the first to say this. I know something's wrong. Can hypnotherapy help me?"
Your sexual dysfunction means you engage in sex more as an observer than as a participant.
You hold yourself back from entering a trance state; you have difficulty "letting go."
There are several ways in which a qualified hypnotherapist can help you to conquer this problem. Before using hypnosis it is essential that you receive competent medical advice.
Hypnotherapy will have a particular focus depending on whether the problem is organic or psychological.
Organic sexual problems require medical intervention. Hypnotherapy may be used as an adjunct, for instance, in helping you to heal faster after an operation.
More frequently, sexual difficulties treated by a hypnotherapist concern psychological issues.
Since the process deals with your mind all sexual activity during hypnotherapy takes place only in your imagination.
What you learn through hypnotherapy is practiced privately elsewhere.
Hypnotherapy may be used to heighten your sensual involvement and to help you to be fully present while engaging in sex.
A common, effective use of hypnotherapy is to lower your anxiety.
The anticipation of failure (particularly for men anxious about their ability to have or to maintain an erection) brings on anxious feelings.
These in turn bring about the failure. Hypnotherapy ends this vicious circle and replaces the anticipation of failure with the certainty of success and confidence.
Traditional sex therapy methods are more readily accepted by you when in hypnosis because the conscious, judgmental, analytical part of your mind is temporarily set aside.
Your subconscious then absorbs the new, positive messages you've asked the hypnotherapist to create.
Precisely because hypnosis taps into the autonomic nervous system, a person can use it to improve or alter functions that normally happen without conscious control, e.g., a man's erection.
Charles, a 27-years-old former sailor and currently an electrician, consulted a hypnotherapist because he was too fearful to have sex with his wife.
They'd been married three years and had had sexual difficulties since the birth of their daughter eight months previously. Charles was afraid he'd been embarrassed once again if he tried to make love.
"Kim laughed at me the first time and now she just gives me a look of disgust." Why? Because he couldn't maintain an erection.
Charles felt humiliated and frustrated; he worried that he'd never again have satisfactory sex with his wife. His dream of fathering a son seemed unattainable.
He told the hypnotherapist that he had no problem masturbating when alone. This was a likely indicator that Charles' problem was psychological, not organic.
As was Charles' report that he always had a firm erection when having sex with the occasional housewife in whose home he was doing electrical work.
To be on the safe side, the hypnotherapist advised Charles to be examined by a medical specialist to be absolutely sure there was no organic cause for his ED.
The doctor confirmed that Charles' trouble was "100 per cent psychogenic," meaning that for some emotional or psychological reason, he could not maintain an erection.
Of course, the more Charles tried, and the more he worried, the more flaccid was his penis.
The hypnotherapist explained to Charles that hypnosis could be used to uncover the cause of his trouble, or to tackle the symptom, or both.
Charles, being the impatient type, and of course eager to end his humiliating experiences, opted for the "quick fix."
Over the course of three sessions of hypnotherapy, Charles relived successful love-making episodes from his younger years as a Navy "stud."
Then the therapist used a melding technique to encourage Charles to see himself (in his imagination, while hypnotized) from now on once again enjoying a full, firm erection well beyond the time needed to satisfy his partner.
Positive suggestions were also made by the hypnotherapist to Charles about his prowess, his confidence and his desirability to his wife.
For three months Charles and Kim had a wonderful sex life. Then he lost an erection just as foreplay had become hot and heavy.
Kim, hurt and disappointed, reacted with sarcasm. All Charles' fears and anxieties rushed back. He returned to the hypnotherapist.
This time Charles agreed to investigate the cause of his impotence.
The hypnotherapist used various approaches -- age regression, age progression (in which the "future" Charles was to explain how he'd conquered the problem) analogue symbolic imagery -- but nothing worked.
In a subsequent session, with Charles relaxed in hypnosis, the therapist told Charles he'd have a dream. His subconscious would provide this dream as a way, either directly or symbolically, to explain the origin of his impotence.
Three nights later Charles dreamed he was outside a factory. It was night time and the factory loomed dark and mysterious.
Charles felt a strong urge to scale the steel fence that surrounded the factory. Then he tried to find away in. All the doors were shut and padlocked. A security guard ("very scary, because he had my face," said Charles) told him to go away.
But Charles persisted in his eagerness to enter the factory. He ran from the guard, to the back of the building. Here was the loading dock. Charles saw a bulldozer there. He jumped into its cab and began to operate the controls.
The guard reappeared, feebly told Charles to get off the property, to go to his own place. In the distance, Charles could see a stately castle which he somehow knew belonged to him.
But his only interest was in the dark factory. The guard shrugged. Charles started up the bulldozer and charged the heavy machine toward the small back door of the factory.
As the bulldozer began to rumble forward, Charles awoke -- with a massive erection.
The dream puzzled Charles. But it enlightened the therapist. To him it revealed that Charles was in the grip of the Madonna/Whore complex.
This is the attitude that divides women into "good" and "bad." Thus, a man's wife and especially mother, are "good." Prostitutes, other men's wives and and women of ethnic groups other than the man's own, are "bad."
"Bad" women are exciting; "good" women are boring. Sex is forbidden with "good" women but possible with the "bad."
A man with this complex may have sex with his wife occasionally, or until she becomes a mother, or while a post-hypnotic suggestion lasts. But his heart is not in it. Neither is his penis.
However, with a "bad" woman he has no commitment, no respect. She is there to be used.
His conscience (the security guard) barely bothers him about penetrating the stranger (the dark factory) but, perversely, does prevent him enjoying "his" woman (the castle).
When Charles heard this explanation, he nodded in agreement. This was indeed his view. And that of his father, uncle and most of his friends. He had no serious interest in changing this outlook, especially since Kim had announced she was pregnant. The hypnotherapist's suggestion that Charles and Kim seek marriage counselling fell on deaf ears.
A lawyer we shall call Mathilde did seek help from a psychotherapist. She had told the referring doctor that she rarely had an orgasm. The truth was that Mathilde never had an orgasm -- with her husband.
She'd been faking it for years. But she had climaxed with previous boyfriends. Also during a two-night stand a few months ago.
Mathilde had been a speaker at a lawyers' convention a thousand miles from home. There she met Roger, a brooding electrical engineer who had been trouble-shooting the hotel's elevators.
"He was not particularly good-looking but he had these soft grey eyes," Mathilde confided to the therapist. She smiled. "He was brutal in bed."
Mathilde was mildly surprised to find herself telling the male therapist details she had not felt comfortable confiding to her female doctor.
There was no question of her wanting to leave the marriage. She loved her husband, had a marvellous life. All that was missing ws the joy of orgasm. It was something she yearned for.
Until she met Roger the lack of orgasms with her husband had not bothered her much. Mathilde had become used to pretending -- and to satisfying herself in secret.
The therapist faced two dilemmas:
i) perhaps, despite Mathilde's conscious denials, there was some problem between her and her husband
ii) the therapist usually worked with couples, not individuals, on such sexual challenges.
He decided that, given the husband was not present and would be unlikely to come to future sessions, he would work with Mathilde, and he would use hypnotherapy. If the outcome was successful, there would be no need to explore possible conflicts between husband and wife.
First the therapist explained a little about hypnosis and how it could help Mathilde. Her first session was devoted to her simply relaxing into hypnosis, and becoming familiar with how safe and peaceful it felt.
In Mathilde's second and third sessions of hypnosis the therapist suggested Mathilde silently relive an earlier experience of orgasm.
In her mind she was to take particular note of the physical and emotional feelings which allowed her to climax.
When the orgasm in her imagination was over she would open her eyes, though remain in hypnosis.
Then the therapist pointed out, and Mathilde confirmed, that she had been internally very relaxed just prior to making love. And that during foreplay and intercourse, she became "lost" in the pleasure.
The therapist asked Mathilde to again close her eyes and this time to imagine herself in bed with her husband. Again she could relive the details silently, no need to tell the therapist anything, except when the imagined lovemaking was over.
When Mathilde compared the earlier experience with how she felt when making love with her husband she immediately noticed her tension.
"I am not relaxed and I don't get lost in the act." Sometimes she thought about cases she was working on and at other times she focused on making sure her husband was satisfied.
In the next part of the session the therapist first gave Mathilde suggestions that she could allow herself to relax with her husband, that she could allow herself to climax with him.
The therapist again waited silently while Mathilde played the scene through in her mind.
When she signalled (with a broad smile) that the scene had reached a successful end, the therapist closed the session with positive suggestions about Mathilde allowing herself to be relaxed, focused on pleasure and allowed to climax when making love with her husband.
And so it was.
* * *
Hypnotherapy has also been used successfully to overcome other sexual problems such as overlubrication, exhibitionism, and to uncover the reason a client became a transvestite.
Before seeking help with a sexual difficulty it is important to be sure it really is a problem. For example, a man may go to a therapist because he believes he suffers from premature ejaculation. But if the man is married to a woman who dislikes sex, indeed "wants it over with as soon as possible," that's exactly what is happening, so where's the problem?
Twenty-five years old Eugene's problem was real enough: he could not become erect. A handsome, single, bus driver, Eugene had had several medical examinations; all the doctors had concluded there was no medical cause for his impotence.
At first, hypnotherapy did not help Eugene. He became more and more despondent about his failure, scared to date and unable to sleep at night.
The hypnotherapist had used approaches one or more of which usually resolve psychogenic impotence:
> positive suggestions
> aversive therapy
> satisfying imagery
> arm rigidity
But nothing worked.
The hypnotherapist finally decided to enlist the guidance of Eugene's subsconscious through finger signalling and direct relay of images in response to questions.
(With finger signalling -- also known as an ideodynamic technique -- a hypnotized person allows the subconscious to answer questions with predesignated fingers that represent "Yes," "No," "Don't Know," and "Not yet ready to answer").
This approach proved fruitful, although at first puzzling.
Hypnotherapist: "I'm going to ask your subconscious some questions. There's no need for you to think about the questions or the answers. Simply allow your subconscious to respond through the fingers it has selected.
You will probably feel a tingling begin in the finger that the subsconscious selects. Then it will lift as though of its own accord.
Now, I'd like to ask your subconscious if there is a purpose served by Eugene's impotence?"
[This question is often answered "yes" and subsequently leads to an explanation such as a desire to punish self or partner for some reason].
[Fimger responses are indicated with ( )].
Eugene: (No).
H: "Does the cause of the problem lie in Eugene's past?"
E: (Yes).
[This response steered the hypnotherapist along the wrong path. He took no account of the literalness with which the subconscious absorbs information. Consequently, the hypnotherapist understood the "Yes" response to mean that there was a specific event, a trauma or a message, that began Eugene's impotence. As was later revealed, the "cause in the past" referred, not to a particular event, but to an ongoing process.]
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 20?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 15?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Before 10?"
E: (No).
[Now the hypnotherapist, who erroneously assumes some single event happened, switches from finger responses to image responses].
H: "Okay. I'm going to ask the subconscious to present to your mind an image that is somehow connected to the problem we're dealing with."
E: "I'm in a shop. I don't know how old I am but a man picks me up. I'm very scared. He holds me to him. Someone else comes in and tells the man to put me down."
[The hypnotherapist thinks that it is possible something happened in the shop to subsequently cause Eugene to become impotent. However, further questioning reveals that Eugene sees little more than he has already reported. There appears to be no abuse, no negative messages (such as "You'll never be a man.")
The session is drawing to a close so the therapist reverts to ideomatic questioning. He decided to check the medical verdicts].
H: "Does the problem have any medical basis to it?"
E: [Long pause]. (No).
H: "Is there something physical that would help?"
E: (No).
H: "Is there something missing in Eugene's diet, or something he should not be eating or drinking?"
E: (Don't know/don't want to answer yet).
[Eugene snaps out of hypnosis, much to his own surprise. In previous sessions for other problems Eugene had enjoyed hypnosis so much he had been reluctant to emerge. He puts himself back into hypnosis].
H: "Okay. Our time is nearly up. I want to thank your subconscious for its help. I'm now asking it to provide you with a dream that will give you a strong indication on how to solve the problem that brought you here."
[Eugene once again snaps out of hypnosis].
H: "Wow. We're clearly close to something significant, otherwise you wouldn't come out so suddenly."
E: "I don't understand why. But while you were talking about me having a dream something floated into my mind: smoking."
H: [Incredulous]. "You smoke!"
E: "Yes, a lot."
H: "There you are. That's what your subconscious was telling us: the cause of your impotence is smoking! Have you stopped before?"
E: "Yes. For a while."
H: "And did you have erections okay then?"
E: [Thinks back]. "Yes, I did. I did."
[And the shop? Why did the subconscious throw that memory into Eugene's mind? Perhaps because the shop sold cigarettes.]
Copyright (c) 2005 Bryan M. Knight
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Male impotence, or erectile dysfunction, is the inability to maintain an erection for a long enough time to have sex. A man who suffers from impotence may be unable to have an erection altogether, be unable to maintain it for more than a short period, or may be able to have an erection sometimes and not at other times. Approximately 10 to 15 million American men suffer from some form of impotence. The good news is that it is easy to understand and can be treated in all age groups.
To understand impotence, it helps to have a basic understanding of how an erection happens. The penis has a large amount of spongy tissue, through which blood vessels run, and some muscle. When a man is sexually stimulated through touch or mentally, nerve signals trigger a flow of blood from arteries into the spongy tissue in the penis. This tissue becomes engorged, making the penis erect. When an erection subsides, muscles in the penis contract, effectively squeezing the blood of the spongy tissue through veins. If there is any interference with the nerve signals or blood flow that cause an erection, impotence may result.
In the majority of cases, male impotence has an underlying cause. Diseases like diabetes, alcoholism, and kidney disease may affect both nerve signals and blood flow. Surgery or injuries to the bladder, prostate, and male urethra may cause nerve damage. Cardiovascular disease or other diseases of the blood vessels may interfere with blood flow. Nerve signals may be altered due to psychological reasons including anxiety and stress.
How does one deal with impotence? Going to a doctor is the first step, because this may help identify an underlying medical condition that should be treated. Exercise may reduce impotence in older men. Other lifestyle changes, such as quitting smoking and losing weight may also help.
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Penis size does matter! Not to women, but to you!
If you believe that you have a small penis, it may matter very much to you, however unimportant the issue might seem to other men, women, doctors and experts.
Most articles in women's magazines, surveys and studies show that penis size does not really matter to women. Surveys and studies can say what they want about what men and women prefer but if YOU are unhappy about your penis size, then penis size does matter.
This is nicely illustrated by a young university student's view on the size of his penis : "It's not the fact that I am ugly and repulsive- well I don't think I am, at least I've never been told I am. The fact is that I lack serious confidence, now that I have been told before. I lacked faith in myself and in my ability to perform. I am 5'10" tall - which isn't extremely tall or small, just average. But I was never satisfied with my penis size. However I looked at it, I just simply wasn't satisfied with it- I would go as far as to say I was really embarrassed."
Telling men that penis size does not matter, is like telling a woman that feels her breasts are undersized, that her breast size does not matter. The fact that most men do not care about breast size when they get involved with a woman whether emotionally or sexually, has nothing to do with her perception of herself as having small breasts. If she "feels" she has small breasts, then it does matter to her.
The key word here is "feeling". It boils down to self perception. If you "feel" you have a small penis, no reassurance from your partner will convince you otherwise. It is based on your "feelings" which in turn is based upon self perception and self acceptance.
True, that some men may in fact have an under size penis, and may in fact have been ridiculed in the past, but most men thinking about penis enlargement are in fact "normal" or average. They may however "feel" that they have a small penis and for these men it is as real as their hair color. It has very little to do with fact, and for them penis size does really matter.
For most women penis size do not matter because most women can only accommodate the average penis size anyway. The fact is women vary in size, too. Some have longer vaginas, some shorter. So if you pride yourself on your exceptional length, but the women in your life is shorter than average, you might be missing the spot.
We appreciate the fact that women want to save our fragile male ego's because in their eyes penis size really does not matter (their preferences are usually a blend of taste, aesthetics, habit, comfort, pressure and pleasure) but for some men it is important to have a larger penis.
Just as you would keep reassuring your better halve that her breast size does not matter, no amount of "convincing" from your part can make her think otherwise because "breast size" is important to her and the way she perceives herself. If she "feels" she has small breasts, then it really does matter to her.
What is important to note here is that most men will have a penis that falls within the suggested normal size range, but that does not always make them feel normal or better about themselves. Both they, and their doctor, should recognize that this is primarily a psychological problem, connected to physical and sexual self-image, rather than a physical handicap.
This is why I get so upset with people saying that penis size does not matter. It does! It matters to the person who "feels" they have a small penis. And it is as real as anything else in their lives. And it does not help dismissing the topic all together. It does not help asking women about penis size and whether it matters. They do not have penises so of course it will not matter to them! It matter's to the person who "feels" they have a small penis. Penis size does matter!
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Rabies- Attacks the nervous system and causes encephalitis. The virus is transmitted in saliva from the bite of an infected animal. It usually takes two-eight weeks before the signs appear. However, it only takes about ten days before it's passable through saliva.
The most common ways for an animal or human to be infected is by a bite from an animal who's infected – usually a skunk, fox, raccoon or bat.
Cats are actually more at risk than dogs – because they put themselves more at risk that dogs.
There are three stages to Rabies:
Prodomal Stage- Lasts two-four days. Signs can include behavioral changes, fever, slow eye reflexes, and chewing at the bite of the site.
The Paralytic Stage- Last two-four days. Signs of paralysis develop, usually beginning in the limb that was bitten. Paralysis of the throat or face causes a change in the bark. Drooling with typical foaming at the mouth, and a dropped jaw. Followed by depression, coma, and death from respiratory paralysis.
Once clinical signs develop there is no treatment! If a pet has been bitten by a wild animal or known related rabid animal – if they've been vaccinated, re-vaccinate them and quarantine them for 90 days. If the pet has not been vaccinated, euthanize and submit tissue for rabies testing. If the owner is unwilling to euthanize the pet, it should be strictly quarantined for six months with vaccination one month prior to release.
Distemper- Greatest single disease threat to the world's dog population. Distemper develops over a course of days. Canine distemper virus is fatal to 80% of the puppies and 50% of the adult dogs that contact it. Symptoms include congested lungs, nasal discharge, vomiting and diarrhea. As it progresses, it attacks the nervous system, often causing partial or complete paralysis and seizures. The disease is highly contagious. Dogs can get the virus through coming into contact with anything another dog infected, including through all secretions of the infected animal and very surprisingly, even through the air.
Most distemper appear in dogs less than six months of age and in old dogs that have not been vaccinated. Once infected, there is no cure. Treatment is supportive -- fluids through I.V to prevent dehydration, and symptoms treated. Dogs who recover from distemper may have vision, nervous system problems, hardened foot pads and nose leathers, throughout their lives. In addition, puppies may also have mottled teeth from damage to developing enamel.
Dogs should be vaccinated, and given boosters, to prevent this disease.
Parvovirus- This disease can overwhelm a dog within hours of first symptoms and result in death within 48-72 hours. It is found through the world, it is highly contagious and attacks the intestinal tract, white blood cells, and sometimes the heart. It is spread with contact through feces of infected dogs. Parvovirus can be carried on shoes, crates, equipment or the hair and feet of infected dogs. Symptoms appear five-seven days after exposure and include depression, loss of appetite, vomiting, severe diarrhea. Feces are generally light gray, or yellow-gray, and may be streaked with blood. Puppies under six months are most susceptible to the disease. If the disease effects the heart, puppies can die within hours, weeks or even months. Doberman Pinschers and Rottweliers appear to be at a higher risk for parvo than other breeds.
There is no treatment that cures the virus. Nursing care consists of replacing fluid, keeping the dog warm, controlling vomiting and diarrhea, and dosing with antibiotics to prevent secondary infections.
Parvovirus can live for several months in an infected area, thorough cleaning of all surfaces is necessary to eradicate the disease. Household bleach is a very effective agent.
Vaccination against parvo has dramatically reduced incidence of the disease. The vaccine protects the dog for several years.
Infectious Canine Hepatitis- It is inhaled or ingested by the dog, enters the bloodstream, and targets the liver, kidneys, eyes, and the cells lining the inner surface of the blood vessels. Some cases barely show symptoms – puppies may show a slight fever or be slightly lethargic and recover quickly.
Some cases are quick and deadly. They may also have tonsillitis, reddened mouth and eye membranes, colic, then shock and death. Sometimes all within 24 hours!
The in-between manifestation of the disease is the one most commonly described. The early symptoms are similar to the other forms – some puppies recover within two weeks, others develop internal bleeding, central nervous system involvement, and liver disease.
There is no cure, only supportive treatment. Vaccination lasts several years.
Kennel Cough- This is a respiratory disease in dogs that covers the actions of several infectious agents, including Bordatella bronchiseptica, a bacteria, canine adenovirus 2, and canine parainfluenza virus.
The parainfluenza virus is related to the canine distemper virus. Symptoms range from hacking cough to inflammation of the larynx, bronchial tubes and trachea. CAV-2 also produces pneumonia in ten-twenty percent of the affected dogs.
They're highly contagious, especially in kennels or shelters where the canine immune systems are stressed. Good ventilation is necessary to prevent and spread diseases.
A combined kennel cough vaccination contains CAV-2, parainfluenza, and Bordatella in one dose of nose drops. Symptoms are no more than a bad cold, vaccination is recommended if dogs are to be boarded, or will come into contact with a large numbers of dogs.
Leptospirosis- This is a bacterial disease spread in the urine of wild and domestic animals and capable of causing illness in humans as well as dogs. Several species of the bacteria produce disease in dogs. Symptoms include lethargy, kidney inflammation, low-grade fever, vomiting, reddening of the mucous membranes, and conjunctiva, and blood clotting abnormalities. A more generalized form of the disease can cause elevated liver enzymes, jaundice, pneumonia, and intestinal inflammation. Chronic kidney problems can result. Antibiotic therapy is effective in fighting the bacterial invasion and supportive nursing (replenishment of fluids, administration of diuretics to flush the kidneys and prevent kidney failure, blood transfusions, if necessary) is required.
Vaccinations are not recommended unless there is a disease in the area. The vaccines help to lessen the severity of the disease, but do not prevent it. It also may not be effective for more than six months. Puppies and small dogs can have adverse reactions to the vaccines. If there is a lepto outbreak occurring and veterinarians do recommend vaccination, dogs should be inoculated against all four strains of the disease, unless the particular strain is identified.
Lyme Disease- Is a bacterial disease spread by ticks. Symptoms in dogs include lethargy, joint pain, lack of appetite, lymph node enlargement, and fever. Some dogs have antibodies to the disease, indicating they've been exposed, but they show no symptoms.
Treatment is with antibiotic, Tetracycline. Vaccine is available, but is not widely recommended because the disease is self-limiting and protection is limited to no more than six months, following inoculation. Lyme disease is more serious for humans than for dogs.
Coronavirus- This virus causes diarrhea and vomiting, and can be confused for parvo. The mode of infection is direct contact of an infected animal or its feces. Some dogs have antibodies but no symptoms, others lose their appetite, have smelly diarrhea, and are lethargic and dehydrated. Treatment involves replacing lost fluids and controlling vomiting and diarrhea. Vaccine is available, but not widely recommended.
-Information taken from the American Veterinary Medical Association
UC Davis Book of Dogs – By, Dr. Race Foster and Dr. Marty Smith
(authors of the particular chapters).
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Is this an all too familiar scenario? Hot and heavy loving with hungry kisses and tender caresses that promise orgasmic bliss for both you and your eager partner when all of a sudden you're one thrust past the edge, the dam bursts and it's over. You're finished, "spent" and ready for sleep. She's still waiting for more, perhaps wistfully contemplating a purchase of that acrylic vibrating dildo her friend has been raving about.
Well, you're not alone in this too-quick-for-her-climax intercourse. The "average" man makes about 50 thrusts before he ejaculates. For most women it takes approximately 10 minutes of active intercourse to reach orgasm. Even the most optimistic lover can see these numbers just don't add up! But don't roll over and nod off yet, there are some simple things you can do to bring your partner and you much closer together.
These male/female discrepancies in timing are part physiological and part habit. Physically men's and women's arousal rates vary widely, but for the most part women become fully turned on much more slowly than men. So a great way to make sure you're both happy with your love life is to include lots of foreplay. Help her reach orgasm with your fingers, tongue, and lips before you even start to have intercourse.
Secondly, most men's experience with sex starts out as rather furtive masturbation, a quick release in the bathroom or under the bedcovers before someone can see what's going on. Then onto early sexual experiences with a girlfriend in back seats of cars or in a basement rec room, again in a hurry, before she changes her mind or her parents come along to change it for her.
Now when you have the time and space for long lovemaking good old John Thomas is still back in the "I've gotta come now" days, and he's not going to slow down just because you tell him to. That's like asking a guy who's trained as a sprint champ to bring home a gold in the 5000 meter instead. He may well be able to make the shift but he's going to need coaching. You can train him with your mind, your muscles and your breath or a combination of all three. It's not entirely up to you either, your loving partner can assist, after all it's for her benefit as well!
The first step is to become aware of your own levels of arousal. Experiment, take your time and give yourself a very real self-loving exploration, not just a quick masturbatory release. Notice how your penis moves through distinct changes before orgasm and ejaculation, he's not just soft and then hard and spewing.
There are four defined stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, characterized by a penis that's very stiff (a boner) and very hot, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Through attentive self-arousal and the playful hands of your sweetheart you can learn how to stay for longer periods of time in the exciting, but less explosive, third stage of firm erection. When you feel yourself moving into the hard, hot level stop stimulation, relax and pay attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply.
The Power of Breath
Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals. Synchronizing your breathing rhythm with your partner's strengthens your connection with each other. Adding sound to your breathing can also help you ride the edge of pleasure. As you exhale send out a deep lion roar. Feel the sound come from your scrotum, up through your belly and lungs and out your mouth as a powerful release of the orgasmic tension building inside you.
You can use some of the following "muscle techniques" to postpone ejaculation as well.
PC (pubococcygeous) Muscle Contraction
This is simply squeezing your pelvic floor muscles, around the scrotum, penis and anus as you feel ejaculation approaching. An easy way to practice this is to interrupt your urine stream when you are going to the bathroom.
Perineum Pressure
Pressing on the perineum, a spot midway between your scrotum and your anus, will help to stop ejaculation because this spot reaches through to the prostate gland. It is the prostate that contracts and expands during orgasm and then expels the ejaculation fluid. Ask your partner to apply this loving pressure for you.
Testes Tug
When a man nears orgasm his scrotum rises up closer to his body. You can delay ejaculation by gently pulling your testes down and away from your body. Your partner can also do this for you.
Penis Tip Squeeze
Squeezing your penis just below the head or glans can help to stop oncoming ejaculation. It necessitates withdrawing completely from your partner during intercourse, but is an excellent way to begin practice on your own with masturbation.
Passion Pump
This technique, which combines squeezing the PC muscles, rolling your eyes upward, touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and visualizing your sexual energy flowing up through your body while you practice controlled deep breathing is one of the most effective ways of delaying ejaculation. It's a Taoist sexual kung fu technique that has the added benefit of helping you circulate your sexual energy through your body rather than having it remain hot and heavy in your genital region.
Special Tip
It is easier to delay ejaculation by focusing on moving your sex energy through your body rather than focusing on not ejaculating. Stopping movement, relaxing a little and breathing deeply and slowly will all aid with this practice.
The Importance of the Prostate Gland
When you practice delaying ejaculation it is very important to massage the prostate gland, so that it doesn't become sore. You can do this by pressing on the perineum. The prostate can be felt as a bumpy walnut shape beneath your fingers. Especially delightful is massaging in circular motions, first clockwise and then counterclockwise, with a piece of folded silk on the perineum spot.
Thrusting Technique
A superb thrusting technique that brings great pleasure to a woman and helps a man to last is a combination of deep and shallow thrusts. By shallow thrusts we mean your penis only enters 11/2 to 2 inches inside your partner. These first couple of inches are the most sensitive part of a woman's vagina. Deep thrusts mean your penis enters as fully as you can.
In this technique you combine a series of nine fairly quick shallow thrusts with one slow deep one. The shallow thrusts stimulate your partner's most sensitive vaginal tissues and at the same time create a vacuum effect that makes her ache for the deep thrust to come. And because most of your thrusts are shallow ones, exciting only the first few inches of your penis, you're able to rock on for much longer!
Mind over Muscle
Practicing squeezing your PC muscles will enable you to gradually become so familiar with your genitals, that you will be able to discern each separate muscle group and contract/relax them at will. At first you will tighten your genitals and everything will contract at once. Later you will be able to contract your anal muscles without moving your penis or scrotum, or pull up your scrotum while your anus and penis remain relaxed, or bob your penis up and down while nothing else moves. Eventually just a thought will relax everything, especially your smooth genital muscles, sending your hot sexual energy shooting through your body, not out the end of your penis, but instead into your partner through eye contact, intercourse, or touching.
Smooth muscles are internal muscles over which you normally have no conscious control. You may not have been aware that you have smooth muscles. They're muscles like your heart muscle, the muscles that push your food through your digestive tract and the muscles that push the sperm and semen out the end of your penis. Becoming aware of your smooth muscles and eventually gaining enough mastery to be able to consciously keep them relaxed will enable blood to flow into the penis, maintaining an erection almost indefinitely - certainly long enough to satisfy the most demanding partner, through and through. Gaining control over the smooth muscles in your genitals is the key to maintaining your peak sexual arousal for long periods of time -- even long enough to experience whole body orgasms, rather than simply genital orgasms. In a whole body orgasm your entire body becomes an exquisite erogenous zone, much like your genitals always are. You can actually reach orgasm when your lover is rubbing your chest, or sucking on your toes and fingers, or nibbling your ears and throat. The magical key to opening the doorway into multiple whole body orgasms is relaxation of your smooth muscles, no matter how aroused, excited, or turned on you are.
Train your mind to think of something other than ejaculation. Thinking "I don't want to ejaculate" is still thinking about ejaculation. You must have something else to focus your attention. We don't recommend reciting sports stats or in any way diverting your attention from lovemaking. It is essential that you be fully present from moment to moment. But instead of thinking about ejaculation, or worrying about ejaculating too quickly, we suggest you think about pleasing your partner. Learn to take pleasure for yourself in the pleasing of your partner. Notice how she reacts when your tongue is exploring around her clitoris, but also notice how her clitoris feels on your tongue. Notice how she enjoys when you suck on her nipples, but also notice how her breasts feel pressed against your face. Notice how she moans when you gently run your fingers up the inside of her thighs, but also notice how her skin feels so soft and warm against your fingers. With your attention fully engaged in this way - on your partner, your breath, your genital muscles -- you are going to last a long time. As your lovemaking goes on, and on, and on... perhaps for hours, the energy within you and between you and your lover will accumulate to such an intense level that you may spontaneously experience the opening of your higher "spiritual" centres. With this opening comes an experience of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder. This is where mastery of ejaculation can lead you and your satisfied partner.
